Holiday Form Letter (2010)

Greetings, Friend, Relative and/or Casual Acquaintance,

This is my annual holiday form letter. Eighty per cent of what I write will mean nothing to eighty per cent of you. Of the twenty per cent of the content which is meaningful, half will lack sufficient detail for you to understand fully. The remaining ten per cent will be understood fully but be uninteresting.

I will mention several relatives or friends whom you don’t know. I will tell of visits with them but will give only the months and locations of the visits while omitting any detail which might make the trip worth reading about.

I will tell you that the children are growing and pretend that is newsworthy. I will tell you that they are beautiful even though you know that they are at best average in appearance. I will not mention their academic performance unless one of them made the honor roll. I will be oblivious to the fact that due to relaxed school standards fully three quarters of all students make the honor roll.

I could take the time to write each of you an individual letter. Or I could write the basic letter on my word processor and individualize it. I could at least include a personal note at the bottom of my form letter. But any of those would take my time and let’s face it, I care more about my time than about your enjoyment of holiday missives.

I printed this letter on decorated seasonal stationery; the bright colors will distract your attention from the lack of content. I suppose that’s an insult to your intelligence but if I cared about your feelings then I wouldn’t be sending you a form letter in the first place.

I’m also using a slightly larger font in order to assist the text in filling the page. It’s not so much larger that you’d notice – only 12.5 point instead 11. I have to do this because, let’s face it, the significant events of my life wouldn’t fill a postcard much less a page of business stationery.

Happy Holidays,
Richard (no, not that Richard – the other Richard)

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